A Difficult Decision

I've got some major decisions to make right now. I started this blog with the announcement of my summer travel plans. Sadly, it's looking like I might not be able to do, well, any of those plans. I was aware from the beginning that the El Salvador trip might not actually happen. It all depends on the department getting funding, and there's nothing I can do about it. Not too big a deal. If it doesn't happen, I'm free to go take pictures at my friend Mary's wedding.

The decision that I've been trying to make for the past week is related to Cambridge. My finances aren't quite what I was expecting. I have too many credits to get financial aid through BYU, for one. That removed about $3000, all told, from my prospective budget. On top of that, the program costs between $1000 and $3000 more than I'd estimated last semester when I decided to apply. Somehow I missed the page that gave the estimated costs. That's a $4000-$7000 difference to what I was planning. I've been searching the internet for other scholarships, but the only thing I've really found is that I should have tried getting some of these additional funds the past five years. I'd be bloody rich with all the money I could have had saved up. Unfortunately, that doesn't translate into actually having that money now, which means I have to make a huge decision within the next few weeks.

There are only two big arguments that I'm looking at right now.
Pro: Going to Cambridge is a unique opportunity for me—this is the only time I'm likely to go, or will even be able to go.
Con: It'll sap away my entire savings, if it doesn't put me in debt.

Really it comes down to awesomeness versus finances. All the friends I have who've gone have loved it. It promises to be a great experience. It's an opportunity I'd like to take advantage of. Besides, I already told everyone I was going. I can also pick up an English accent while I'm there. My grandma also offered to pitch in some little bit, so I've got that going for me finance-wise.

However, the very idea of going into debt is anathema to me. I've seen friends and family struggle with it, and it's not something I want to deal with if I can avoid it. Being short on cash is not particularly fun either. The year immediately after my mission was tough for me in part because of my financial situation. That ill-spent time had a lot more to do with other factors which I believe are of no concern now, but the financial stress exacerbated problems then, and it could easily aggravate whatever problems I face in the near future. It's not something I want to deal with. I have been extremely blessed the past few years that I was able to save money working while living at home for the summers. I have been blessed in that Professor Davis, whom I TA for, liked me well enough to keep offering me a job so I've had work during the school year as well. When I think of how much the Lord has blessed me these last few years, my heart swells with gratitude. By spending it all to go to Cambridge for a couple of months for classes I don't technically need, will I possibly be throwing away these great blessings? I am well aware that this term at Cambridge could be viewed as an investment, but now I am forced to question the nature of that investment, and how high the returns will be. I truly have no idea what I am going to do after graduation. I know that I have to dedicate more time to writing, which for me might mean taking some crappy jobs for awhile until I can really get myself going. Assuming, of course, that I can find such jobs. Considering the current economy, it is not a good time to be clean broke, and if I go to Cambridge, I very much will be afterwards.

As you can probably see by the comparative lengths of the deliberations for and against, I am leaning heavily toward declining the opportunity. I am additionally influenced by my ever-increasing sentiments of finality and apathy towards school. I want to be done. I felt this way last semester when I applied to the program, but my apathy was mitigated by Dr. Kerry's enthusiasm to the point that I actually went ahead and applied. I will talk to him again before I make my final decision. Part of me really wants him to convince me again into going, but I don't know if he can at this point. I sort of feel like my mind is actually made up and that I'm just waiting until I am forced to put my decision into effect. Or perhaps I've made the wrong decision and I'm hesitating as I work to convince myself that it's the correct one. I'm not sure. I'll have to pray about it a lot over the next few weeks. And I'll continue looking for scholarship monies, even though I likely won't find even one where I'll know that I got the money until after it's time for me to decide. (I don't know when that time will be except that I have until two weeks after BYU charges me the $500 down payment.) If any of you, oh massive readership, have anything to say on the matter, don't hesitate to put in your two cents. Or if you have more than two cents to spare, maybe I'll be able to collect enough money to go without financial worry.

On the upside, if I don't go, I'll have more time this year to dedicate to writing. Cambridge was going to burn a hole for me in which I would not likely get much writing done. Granted, it would totally be worth the setback. And I will have more options for simply traveling around Europe. I could still go this summer, but to travel instead of study. Frankly, that's more appealing to me in many ways. This semester, I find myself incredibly tired on Mondays and Wednesdays, yet full of energy on Tuesdays and Thursdays (when my only class is ballroom dance). The only notable exception to this rule was for an hour between two of my classes on Wednesday, in which my Spanish lit class consisted primarily of us singing José Feliciano songs as our professor played guitar. I was wide awake then, yet fell asleep in my next class (not for the first time, either). I could very well find my European experience ruined by school when I should be off adventuring. Again, this might be me trying to justify a bad decision, or at least one I'm not particularly satisfied with or happy about.

José Feliciano's words are feeling pretty applicable to me right now:
¿Qué será, qué será, qué será?
¿Qué será de mi vida, qué será?

I'll figure things out. I just have no idea what those things will turn out to be.