There Are Better Things In Store

I prefer more philosophical posts than ones on quotidian life, and I in fact started one that would easily lead into this subject, but it's been a week since then and I figure I'll simply explain my reasons for not going to Cambridge now and leave the philosophy for a later post.

After much deliberation, I finally decided not to go to Cambridge. Many of those reasons I've already explained in a previous post, but I think a fuller explanation is in order. Last week I went to the first day of the prep course. It was nice; I enjoyed it. There look to be some really cool people in the group, and I would probably get along fine with most of them. At the same time, I would not really fit in. One of the concerns I brought up with Dr. Kerry back when he first encouraged me to apply for the program was simply that I'm not an academic. I certainly have the capacity to be one, I really enjoy intellectual discussions with them, but in the end I'm not particularly interested in in-depth research. Many people mentioned how they were looking forward to being able to do so much research in these great libraries. I can understand their sentiments, to a degree. I'm glad others do it because I enjoy learning, but I prefer my research to include lots of big pictures and explanations for me so that I can quickly apply them—not really what they're aiming at in the world of academia. They're the ones who dumb things down to that level for me. However, I would not be able to stand that, especially as I'd have to write a major paper every week. While some students get to set up interviews with important people (like General Petraeus, for research on the war on terrorism) and others have to travel to other countries for a day or two, many others are trapped in the library. Dr. Kerry mentioned a former student who didn't have time to see his wife or his mother when they came to visit him at Cambridge, except during the weekend.

Considering how long it takes me to write things, especially when I'm not particularly interested in a subject, I'd find myself indoors a large amount of time. (And when it comes to research, there's nothing that interests me enough to merit the amount of dedication necessary for what I'd be doing at Cambridge.) Basically, while the education system at Cambridge is quite different from the majority of my experience at BYU and would focus more on portions that I enjoy (like small group discussion), it would also carry over most of what I actually dislike about school in general, and would in fact intensify those same aspects to the point that I don't believe I'd particularly enjoy my time there. Friends have mentioned that their favorite part of Cambridge was their supervision (working one on one with a professor). While on the one hand it would be an incredible experience and I would surely learn a lot, it doesn't really grab my interest as there's nothing I want to research that badly. I could, of course, shirk my classes and just enjoy my time there. But why even take classes, in that case? Not only would it reflect poorly on me, I could not in good conscience be such an awful representative of BYU. I would have to truly dedicate myself to my studies—and I would hate it.

I see no reason to spend thousands of dollars to not enjoy life, especially on my first real trip outside the United States. I want to travel, I want to enjoy it, but I don't think this is the way I need to go about it. It pains me to turn down such a unique opportunity, but more and more I feel this is the right thing for me. If I had any plans to continue my education with a master's degree, there'd be no way I could turn it down. This program would be my greatest tool for getting in just about anywhere I might want. However, I do not have such plans or even desires. I'm about to graduate and am looking at jobs in urban planning, but my degree is still the backup plan, the thing which will provide me with decent jobs so I can keep eating until I manage to establish myself as an author. I have to push forward with that goal, because I know nothing else will truly make me happy. I like urban planning, and I don't regret choosing it as a major, but I will never love it. The same applies to all the other things I enjoy, except for writing. (And maybe playing video games, but I'm not good enough to go professional.)

So, not going to Cambridge after all. There are better things in store.